... I jotted down a few days ago when my exam was nearing its end. But now my exam is over, reality is calling, and I thought I should actually post it and get it off my mind.
This is probably the first thing I've ever put online that comes so straight from the heart without being wrapped up in rhymes, mystic words or plot lines. I am putting it online and making it available for the world to see in hopes that it will ease my mind knowing that I've shared my raw thoughts. So please read this with respect and open-mindedness.
This exam has been a true blessing, in a way that it has slowly taken my mind off the thing that has "taken over" my mind for the last few months. But as it started coming close to an end, my mind started going back to what took up so much space before. And it makes me happy and sad at the same time.
I met Lalani one time during the exam, and we talked while we enjoyed the sun at Fetsund Lenser. She got me thinking. She got me thinking before too, but this time it really hit home. That is one thing I love about her, but I also hate it. Love it about her because it brings me out of my stupor, and it's healthy to think and act, even though it doesn't always feel that way. Hate it about her because I know she's right, and that scares me. I know I have to take her words to heart and act, and it's terrifying to not know what will happen when I act, and equally terrifying to imagine what will happen if I don't act. The latter is the worst, it tears me up even now, when I'm barely thinking at all.
She said: "You have to do something about it. If you don't do something, someone else will come there before you, and that will hurt very much." (Not word for word, but pretty much the same.) It will hurt. Very very very much.
I started to take action before the exam, but now I'm dead afraid that something might have come in the way while I've been absent from the world. So I keep praying to whatever forces are out there, that they will keep the world standing still until these 4 weeks have come to an end and I can start claiming what is mine.
Because I will act, and I will know, and I will win. But I have no idea how. Soon I feel like there will be no sense left in me, and I will take what I want like a greedy animal, but I don't want to do it like that. At least not at first;)
And I have conflicting emotions about the whole thing to begin with. I know the feelings are very much an adult's, but I feel so small. Like I have no right, like I'm not enough, that I'm still too much of a child in spite of my age. And of course there's the circumstances, they make things a bit more difficult. But in spite of all this, I will try. I will do my very best, because I feel that I can't live if I don't try.
And now the exam is over, and I guess I have to do something about it. But I'm scared, and I wish someone would just take care of everything for me. But I have to face my fears, and do what's right.
I just don't know how.
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