Monday, June 29, 2009

Recovering from the exam

I don't like this summer. It's too damn hot. And last night was the first tropical night of the summer, and we're to expect more of them this week. Oh joy. This weather is also making me sick. But more of that later, because now I'm going to recount what has happened since I finished my exam, in chronological order. I think.

Last Saturday, the 20th, me and my parents went to my dad's parents to celebrate their 50th wedding day, along with the rest of their children and grandchildren and some of their friends. It was nice, but I couldn't really enjoy it like I should. I was mentally exhausted because of the exam, and knew I had only one day to get the finishing touches done and help Lalani at the same time. I slept about 11 hours that night between Saturday and Sunday. But I managed it all well in time!

On Monday, the 22nd, I went to school, only to find Nina sitting outside the classroom, in desperate need to find someone to unlock the door so she could fix some issues on her own exam. That's really professional, on the day the exam is due. Not ONE living person in the entire building, the phone was ringing and ringing and ringing down by the reception, no one to answer it. Eventually that solved itself too, and then Lalani came and we managed to get her exam ready for presentation too. I feel that I did okay, on both the exam itself and the presentation. But I don't think I'll get an A, like last year. I really don't. If I do, someone have to help me pick my jaw off the floor.

On Tuesday I went to Fredrikstad. I had really looked forward to that, and it met all my expectations. The first thing Ann-Marie did was make me laugh, sure it was at her sunburn, but she made me laugh nonetheless. I was able to totally relax and breathe out. On Wednesday she and I met Marion, Ragnhild and Heidi so we could all get to Allsang på Grensen in Halden. Never thought I'd attend something like that, but my friends can really talk me into lots of things :) Anyway, here's some pictures:

3^Heidi finally got her birthday present from me and Ann-Marie


I went home on Thursday, because I had to go to eCademy and sign the contract for next school year. So I drove to Lillestrøm, took the bus to Helsfyr, which was the best according to Trafikanten. But I couldn't find the correct adress from there to save my life. I trusted Google Maps on my phone, but I shouldn't have. I tried to call dad, because he knew where it was. He didn't answer. I tried to call mom, no answer. I tried to call Vibeke from my class, she was sort of in charge of getting all of us there to sign, no answer. Finally got hold of dad, but not much help there. I asked some people at Fyrstikktorget, they either didn't know or gave me directions that didn't help at all. I found a cab, but he was waiting for a client. He too gave me directions though, but not helpful. I tried Vibeke again, and found out that I could get the contract in the mail, and I went home. But then I didn't find out where I could go to get on the other side of the highway and the bus to Lillestrøm. So I took the bus all the way into Oslo and then found one to take me to Lillestrøm. And then there was lots of traffic out of Lillestrøm. It was HOT, I needed food but wasn't hungry, I was thirsty, I was sweaty, and I was tired, and I wished I'd never left Fredrikstad. I knew I had to stop and buy bread on my way home. And at the store, people had parked like they didn't know how, and I was all out of my mind. I finally got home, so angry I could kill with a glare. I took a cold shower and just cursed the sun the rest of the day.

Had I know what would happen if I went to Oslo that day, I would have stayed in Fredrikstad untill Ann-Marie kicked me out head first.

Anyway, later that day, I got summer sickness. Nothing serious, just some uncomfortable moments, and no appetite and lots of running to the bathroom. Reminded me a lot of what happened in London in January, but not quite the same. First I didn't get sick from stupid pills that's supposed to prevent sickness, and not so uncontrolable. On Friday I started running out of soap to wash my hands, and voila, I was better again. The lack of soap seemed to shock my body into health again. Not that I'm gonna be 100 % fine until the temperature drops to a daily maximum of 0 celsius and a minimum of -20 celsius.

I really hate to have to sleep without the comforter at night, I hate that my nose itches all the time from grass pollen, I hate summer sickness, I hate the heat, I hate tropical nights, I hate the buss of the fan needed to survive.

I'm sorry for all this negativity, I just don't like this time of year. Bit weird, seeing as I was born during the summer, in August. Late summer, but still summer.

Anyway, now I'm off to meet mom at Sørumsand, at the moment my car is the only one big enough to hold the new dryer!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Just some thoughts...

... I jotted down a few days ago when my exam was nearing its end. But now my exam is over, reality is calling, and I thought I should actually post it and get it off my mind.

This is probably the first thing I've ever put online that comes so straight from the heart without being wrapped up in rhymes, mystic words or plot lines. I am putting it online and making it available for the world to see in hopes that it will ease my mind knowing that I've shared my raw thoughts. So please read this with respect and open-mindedness.

This exam has been a true blessing, in a way that it has slowly taken my mind off the thing that has "taken over" my mind for the last few months. But as it started coming close to an end, my mind started going back to what took up so much space before. And it makes me happy and sad at the same time.

I met Lalani one time during the exam, and we talked while we enjoyed the sun at Fetsund Lenser. She got me thinking. She got me thinking before too, but this time it really hit home. That is one thing I love about her, but I also hate it. Love it about her because it brings me out of my stupor, and it's healthy to think and act, even though it doesn't always feel that way. Hate it about her because I know she's right, and that scares me. I know I have to take her words to heart and act, and it's terrifying to not know what will happen when I act, and equally terrifying to imagine what will happen if I don't act. The latter is the worst, it tears me up even now, when I'm barely thinking at all.

She said: "You have to do something about it. If you don't do something, someone else will come there before you, and that will hurt very much." (Not word for word, but pretty much the same.) It will hurt. Very very very much.

I started to take action before the exam, but now I'm dead afraid that something might have come in the way while I've been absent from the world. So I keep praying to whatever forces are out there, that they will keep the world standing still until these 4 weeks have come to an end and I can start claiming what is mine.

Because I will act, and I will know, and I will win. But I have no idea how. Soon I feel like there will be no sense left in me, and I will take what I want like a greedy animal, but I don't want to do it like that. At least not at first;)

And I have conflicting emotions about the whole thing to begin with. I know the feelings are very much an adult's, but I feel so small. Like I have no right, like I'm not enough, that I'm still too much of a child in spite of my age. And of course there's the circumstances, they make things a bit more difficult. But in spite of all this, I will try. I will do my very best, because I feel that I can't live if I don't try.

And now the exam is over, and I guess I have to do something about it. But I'm scared, and I wish someone would just take care of everything for me. But I have to face my fears, and do what's right.

I just don't know how.