Friday, December 24, 2010
December 20th: Hair thingy
December 22nd: Goldfish:
December 23rd: Oatmeal cookies! Lovely!
December 24th: Bag of marsipan and chocolate from Nidar.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I've been having some naughty thoughts lately. Because of the stuff I found out back in October and now have picture evidence of, all because of that. So I am a bit heartbroken and very angry. I'm angry at both, but this one person makes me really angry. I don't even know that person, but that person took one of my dreams away from me. And now I am wishing bad things on that person, so that things can go back to the way I want them to be, so I can get my chance back.
But I got to thinking. "If you really love someone, let go and be happy for them." I should do that. But I can't. I'm unable to feel it, all I feel is anger at that stupid person who just waltzed in and took away my chances. Maybe I need more time, but seriously, shouldn't I be partly there by now? It's been two months!
My thought about this was: Am I setting myself up for a life without love if I keep wishing for that dream-stealing person to go through hell? Am I dooming every possible relationship that comes my way? If so, what should I do if I can't be happy for their sake? Move far far far away so I won't risk seeing them and those close to them? There are certain people that I just can't shut out of my life, they haven't done anything wrong. They just happen to know the wrong/right people.
Merlin, things were so much simpler when I was at Bjerkely. Surrounded by nothing but harmless people that didn't mean anything to me in that way.
So, Karma. I've tried to read up on it, find out what that really does give you good or bad karma. Is it your actions? Is is the meaning behind the actions? If you do something that turns out bad but you did because you thought it would do good? Do you get bad or good karma then? Or is it your thoughts? Wanting to do harm? Wishing bad on someone to make it good for you? Is it actions and thoughts? Just actions? Just thoughts? What is it?
If it is thoughts, then I am in trouble. If it is thoughts, I should just go get hypnotized to forget all about my warm feelings for a certain person, and let them become just an acquaintance in my eyes.
I thought I was over it, at least feeling more indifference than anger and hurt. But then that picture evidence came, and now it's more real to me, and it hurts again. And once again, I feel completely pathetic about it. Like I don't have the right to feel hurt. It's not like I really did anything about my feelings, because I was too scared and insecure. But I couldn't help the way I feel, the way I still feel, even if I tried. Because I did try. But I failed every time. And now I sit here, wishing bad things on someone.
I'm so screwed. And I'm not talking about karma now. Totally screwed in the head.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
I posted a new story on FF.Net yesterday, called A Wolf's Soul.
When I went to sleep on October 26th I couldn't sleep. My muse hit me in the head and wouldn't let me sleep until I had mapped the basics of a new story in my head. The next day I began writing, but then there was that thing that broke my heart and made my entire world crash. I lost my will to write and thought I would have to postpone the plans I had for posting Lunar Illumination around Christmas. But the following weekend I began writing on the new idea and really drowned myself in writing that and reading Remus fanfiction. It helped me recover quite quickly, though I'm having several setbacks now that Christmas is coming closer and I've now gotten picture evidence that what I thought was the case back in October is really true.
Enough depression. The new story is a Remus/OC and student/teacher story. It was supposed to be a one-shot, but it turned out to be a long one-shot. Then I thought that perhaps I should split it into small chapters, but then it turned out to be very long and I made the decision to actually make it into a proper story with small chapters. My regular chapter length standard is 5000-8000 words, this one has an average of 1500 words per chapter. And I have 15 chapters written down, is working on the sixteenth, and is done revising the first 4 chapters. Of course I will read through the chapter I will post just to make sure everything is alright.
Now, the summary:
My parents had the kind of love that touched everyone around them. I searched hard for my own soul deep love while I was at Hogwarts. By my last year I had given up. But then there was the start of term feast, and in walked a thin, tired, shabby old man.
And you can read the story on FanFiction.Net. I can't post it on HPFF because it violates their Terms of Service because it is a student/teacher story. I will ask the staff at the forums to see how fine line there is, maybe I can post it there, but it's not that important.
So go read and enjoy! Will try to post every Tuesday and Friday. But remember that I live in a GMT +1 timezone, also known as the CET timezone.
There's now only 5 days left until Christmas Eve! We will be staying at home that day. Grandmother and grandfather, aunt, uncle and two cousins (all on dad's side) will be coming. Hopefully grandmother on mum's side will come too. But she's a bit weird about the weather. But she did seem positive about coming on December 23rd and staying for a few days despite the insane snow that's pouring down almost every day. I will try to remember to post a picture of all the snow too.
Been out shopping with mum today. Bought the Christmas present for Mons. It's an awesome present, but I won't say what it is in case his mum and dad read my blog. I also got parts of my present from mum and dad: One gorgeous red warm knitted cardigan, a black top/blouse that makes my cleavage look even more awesome than it usually is, and a black simple sweater to have underneath the red knitted one. So now I have some nice new tops to wear at Christmas.
So it's been a good day. Made even better by all the e-mails I've gotten today. But that's a story for another post, which I will make immediately after I publish this!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Today I cleaned my room and put up all my decorations. It got really pretty :)
December 6th: Pack of cup cake mix
December 7th: Hubba Bubba bubblegum
December 8th: Another Santa Christmas decoration like last week
The above days are the ones I remembered to put in each day. After that I forgot. So here's an update of what I got without remembering which day:
3 "Griseflaks", one I won 20 kr on, one I won 50 kr on and one I didn't win anything on.
Black wrapping ribbon and bows.
Lots of brightly coloured scrungies.
A black pointy scrungy.
And there are two I don't remember. I can't believe I don't remember...
December 17th: Red Bull
December 18th: Red Pringles
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
And on Wednesday I got a letter saying that there was a package waiting for me at the post office because it didn't fit in the mail box. In that was several things: A CD mom bought (because I got discounts the more I shopped), my Christmas present to grandma, birthday present to grandma, aaaaaaand.....
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 soundtrack! Wooohooooo! I tried buying it at Platekompaniet last Friday, but they didn't have it in. Can you believe that?!? They didn't have the Harry Potter soundtrack! Harry Freaking Potter! That's unheard of, that is. But now I have it.
So as soon as I've uploaded the pictures to this post, I will import into iTunes, synchronize my iPod and listen to it while I sign Christmas cards and lick envelopes. I picked up my printing order at Allkopi today. I ordered 12 Christmas cards, but I got 31. So 31 cards, print on both sides, 300 gram paper and 12 envelopes cost me 180 NOK. I am never handmaking Christmas cards again. I think. Anyway, they're awesome, and if you're close enough as a friend or grandparent, expect something awesome in the mail soon :)
Sunday, December 05, 2010
December 1st: Orange and cloves (for those that don't know: we put 24 cloves into the orange and take one out each day up until Christmas Eve, it's a sort of a calendar, and it smells good)
December 2nd: Snap Crackle (lovely candy, a flat chewy thing, that reminds me a bit of a melted lollipop)
December 3rd: Pack to make "lapper / sveler".
December 4th: Läkerol Cactus
December 5th: Christmas decoration:
Picture of the calendar itself is on its way.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
If you want to play Ikariam, here's the links that will put you near me in the map:
Norwegian Alpha Server
Norwegian Beta Server
UK Theta Server