Since the last post was as negative as they get, I thought I'd push it down the page with some clips from season 4 of Big Bang Theory! SPOILER WARNING, ANN-MARIE!!
Embedding disabled (too bad so many of the BBT clips on Youtube are disabled from embedding):
Rajesh meets FBI agent Eliza Dushku
Sheldon meets Wil Wheaton again
I'm very sorry for what I'm about to write, but I seriously need to vent.
I was having a perfectly good day, well, almost, until dinner time. While mum and dad sat in the living room watching the end of Bones, I had to sit by the dining table all alone. Reason being the stupid antenna dad has put up, it's being supported by one of the couches and the wall. This because it's damn impossible to get RiksTV there without some acrobatic antennas. So when mum then sits down in the other couch, she always have to have the table where she feels it's comfortable, no matter what anyone else feels. So when I sit in the couch supporting the antenna (which is the only available space, dad in a chair and the couch mum sits in would normally fit 3 people, but it's broken and full of newspapers and shit that she can't put anywhere else), I have to lean awkwardly and painfully across the table to be able to eat.
Then when I say that there is no room for me dad says or ask, I can't remember, why I'm so angry all of a sudden. One thing I absolutely hate, have hated for as long as I can remember, is when someone is talking about the way I feel to my face. Pointing it out, informing me as if I didn't already know, questioning it, having any kind of opinion about it. Especially when I maybe talk a bit louder than normal or have a non-happy face. I can't have a bad day all of a sudden? Does it ruin your picture perfect life to know me when I'm not euphoric? You can't know how I feel, only I know how I feel.
I've been angry for 24 years, there has always been some things annoying me, but because I'm a good person I've been swallowing it and pretending that I don't care just so you can be happy. I've always swallowed every little angry feeling I have, because when I try to vent, I just get yelled at. Now, my lid is finally blowing more and more. It's just becoming too much sometimes, and I let it all blow out. But I still get yelled at.
I know I haven't been very good with helping around the house. Never. But now that I finally am (a bit anal about it really), no one's gonna bother helping me? Once the child has learned its life lessons, the parents are just going to let everything go to hell? I asked mum about it; "When I move out and is not around to clean up, you're just going to live in a pigsty?" "Yes," she answered quite simply. Nice. Real nice. Don't expect me to come visiting or offering food or drink or anything that might cause you to make a mess in my house. If I sit and study all day, and then do the dishes and clean and tidy and wash towels and put all the trash in bags by the door, it's not too stupid of me to expect them to take that little trip from the house to the trashcan when they come home? They're already dressed, it's only 50 extra steps. Clearly it is stupid, because I've seen the trashbags lying there waiting for several days, multiplying. I know I could go out with them, but I feel it's now my job to raise my parents.
My neck hurt. Fiercely. It's stiff and painful in the neck/shoulder area and it goes up into my head. I don't sleep as well as I should because of it, I'm always tense. But I can't do anything about it, because the chiropractor cost more than it's worth, and then the only thing that helps are the yellow pills from the doctor and not doing any computer work for two weeks. I can't do that. I have an exam coming up very soon, I have to study, study, study, study. Even though I've studied all year, I don't feel like I know anything. Mostly because I don't. The books are not helping, the online classes are a waste of time. I've only now found something online that resembles what we did in class at It-akademiet, but a lot more organized. I have to finish it before the exam, and then I have to go through two weeks of hell by actually doing the exam. And then I have to go straight into work and do exactly the same thing that makes it all hurt. That annoys me so much you wouldn't even know.
Of course, I could apply for a job that would be better neck-wise, but I can't think of anything else I would want to do. And I have to do something I think is fun and something I'm good at, otherwise I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. I hate work, I am not born to work.
I hate that I don't have time to go outside and walk and exercise.
I hate that I'm unable to wake up at a decent hour in the morning no matter what I do.
I hate that my neck hurts.
I hate that when I might get the opportunity to fix my neck, I have to go out to do more of the same thing that makes it hurt.
I hate that I can't eat dinner with my parents without being uncomfortable.
I hate that I can't sit downstairs with my parents and just talk and hang out, because dad just sleeps and snores and drools and still have to have control over the remote. And mum just go on Facebook or YouTube.
I hate that I love someone who... Well, let's just say there are too many obstacles to hate there to even bother writing down right now.
I hate that I can't tell people why I'm angry, because apparently I'm wrong about it all and have no right to speak my mind.
I hate spaghetti. Especially when we have to have mushrooms in it. Mushrooms make me queasy.
I hate that I have to be the one to keep the house clean, while they just sit and watch TV and laze around after work. Just because I'm at home all day, doesn't mean that I don't have more pressing things to do than clean.
I hate that I've had a prolaps that still irritates me from time to time.
I hate that winter is slowly coming to an end, and people are celebrating the upcoming spring.
I hate that I'm so terrified of winter leaving because that mean summer and thunder. Which I'm deadly afraid of.
I hate mum and dad for leaving me home alone each weekend during the summers, making me spend the nights all alone being stupidly afraid in case it will be a thunderstorm.
I hate my couch. It's ugly and worn.
I hate that I always freeze on my feet. Even during the warmest summer.
I hate that in winter I either have to freeze on my feet or get shocked each time I touch something that is not wood. Wool socks or proper slippers make me electric. It hurts when it shocks, it hurt afterwards. And mum always have to say: "I don't understand what the big deal is. I get shocked all the time too, but it doesn't bother me." Well, good for you! Just because you don't care doesn't mean everybody else feels the same way!
Thank you for letting me rant. There's a lot more I could complain about, but you probably don't care. I should get used to it. But I don't.
I'm reading a fanfiction called "Frisson." After I'd read a few chapters I wondered about the title. I had never heard that word before, and I wondered if it really was a word. So I Google Defined it and got this:
- an almost pleasurable sensation of fright; "a frisson of surprise shot through him"
- A cold chill (also known as frisson, or simply thrills or chills) is described by David Huron as, "a pleasant tingling feeling, associated with the flexing of hair follicles resulting in goose bumps (technically called piloerection), accompanied by a cold sensation, and sometimes producing a shudder or shiver." Unlike shivering, however, it is not caused by temperature, menopause, or anxiety but rather is an emotionally triggered response when one is deeply affected by things such as music, speech or recollection.
- A sudden surge of excitement; A shiver
I don't like the word for how it sounds; frisson. Frisson. Frisson. It's not that nice to hear or say, it's doesn't roll easily off the tongue, but I love the meaning of the word. I'm going to try using it as much as possible, it would make for fun conversations or stories.
