Thursday, March 17, 2011

Stress.

It's been an eventful couple of weeks, to say the least. Not that there's been much happening, but I've had lots to do anyway. Warning: Lots of different topics coming up! Fanfiction nagging at the end!

- My exam began Monday 7th, as you may know. It has gone a lot better than I expected. I envisioned hell and a neck-inflammation from hell and relapse in spinal disc herniation. But I'm as good as finished, there are some things I won't be able to do, but I've done a lot more than I thought I would manage. So I'm happy. Waking up around 10-10.30 every day, working from 12-13 to 18-19.

- On Saturday I went to Sarpsborg, where Tine had planned a surprise welcome home party for Ann-Marie, who came home from USA on March 10th. It was amazing seeing her again! We were all almost nothing but smiles all evening! And in a week and a half we'll see her again! Along with her new boyfriend! It'll be fun!

- The other day I got some news that once again broke me down. Not as bad as last time, but it hurts. My silver lining was suddenly gone, and my safe haven is now gone forever. I am more angry than hurt this time. Angry at myself, for being so slow and stupid. Angry at the unfairness of life, that just won't let me catch a break. Angry at him for not seeing me. Angry at her for being alive. Angry at the seven years of my life I'll never get back (yes, seven years, eight years since it began, but I don't count the year at Bjerkely, I was free then). Pathetic, right? I was so angry that I had real trouble falling asleep the day I got the news, breathless from anger. Not fun. But now it's over. I can't take it any more. I'm cutting off every one I have to cut off to get over this, no matter what. I'm gonna find a rubber band to put around my wrist, so I can snap it every time I think of him, just make him into a bad habit. If fate some day in the future has other plans, then I will be open to it. But now, just stay the fuck out of my head, my life, my soul and my sanity, you stupid son of a bitch!!


- Last night I had a horrible dream. It was absolutely horrible! The worst thing that could happen, happened. It was a nightmare that was so horrible it woke me up (and I can't remember every waking in horror from a nightmare). I remember backing up towards the wall, protecting myself with the blanket, forcing the fears away. And I fell asleep again. But, suddenly, as I was working on the exam, I remembered the dream, and I was filled with fear unlike anything I've ever felt before. And it has struck me several times during the day. Thank my Slytheriness for control of my emotions, or I would be crying in a heap on the floor. The nightmare is so very very bad, because it's a real possibility in my life. I will never ever ever say what it was about, because I do not want it to come true. Never. I just had to get it off my chest.

- I want to write on Lunar Phases. But I just don't feel like thinking much after working on the exam all day. I feel inspired, and I want to get it started, but I just don't have the energy. I don't even have much energy for reading fanfiction. At least I wrote out some thoughts on what magic is and where it comes from the other night, for help with a huge plot point. Not bad, for me. As soon as the exam is over, I will go back to writing as a reward for being done. It's a good motivator. I'm holding my PS2 and FFXII as a carrot in front of me too. Remus and Balthier are awesome motivators.

Enough rambling for one night. Got to go to bed soon, mediate my self to sleep, to keep the anger at bay. See, the anger comes when I don't have other things to keep my mind occupied. Lovely.
Night!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Happy Birthday, Remus!

Today is March 10th and it is Remus' 51st birthday! He's getting old... (Notice that I'm completely forgetting the fact that he's dead, and fictional.)


And on that note; fanfiction progress!

I've started rewriting Lunar Phases (previously known as Lunar Illumination). I couldn't wait anymore, with trying to think of more plots and ideas. Thought I'd at least rewrite what I had written before I worked some more on the ideas. Maybe I'd even get more ideas from writing. I think I'm about halfway through the first chapter. But progress is very slow now, haven't written anything for a week and a half. Reason being that I had way too much to get finished before my exam began. So last week I worked and worked and read fanfiction to relax instead of writing. And on Monday this week, at 4 PM, I got my examination task.

I'll be working on the exam every day for two weeks, it's due March 21st at 3 PM. It's hard, but I think I'll manage something okay. So there will be little to no writing during that time. But I think about Lunar Phases every day. And one of these days I'll try to write a proper introduction to the story, to keep you interested until I post it. Which I have no idea when will be. I want a lot of chapters done before I start posting, so you don't have to wait ages for each chapter. That's as frustrating for me as it is for you. Believe me.

Enough blogging for today. Got to harvest my acorn squash in FarmVille and then continue with my exam.

My exam work area. It's just a little bit chaotic, this is a good moment.

By the way: Welcome home, Ann-Marie! I can't wait to play with you again! ♥

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Silver lining

You know that thing that broke me back in October? I'm doing good now, as close to normal as I can ever be. There's no pain, but there are some frustration and anger though, towards the hag. And I sometimes find myself struck with longing. Strange, but I just can't seem to get completely over this, no matter what I do. So I've stopped trying. I'm just letting it be. But I've found a silver lining.

I don't want to say too much about it here, in case someone who understands too much reads it and put a stopper to it. (Of course they could help it along, but I'm not taking that chance.) The silver lining is in my future. After my exam, I have to find a job. I've searched some and had a suspicion of mine confirmed. There are none web-designing jobs in Lillestrøm, at least none worth taking. So I have to work in Oslo. I really really don't like Oslo, having to commute, loosing hours a day commuting. Traffic to the train station, trains that can't be trusted to be on time, and so on. But there's a silver lining to that, which drives me on and makes me happy I'll probably be working in Oslo. Things can happen :) And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

On to another, but related, topic. There's one bad thing about this whole ordeal (apart from the presence of the hag of course). I'm unable to daydream about this. I can't do it any more. I just feel that he isn't mine to daydream about any more. And so I have lost my safe haven. Whenever I felt scared or upset or angry before, all I had to do was think about him and things were better. But now I don't have that any more. And I haven't found a replacement haven yet. Not looking forward to facing the summer with thunder-shit without a safe haven in my head.

But there is no denying I feel safe and well in his company. And last time I saw him I actually felt physical pain when leaving. Stupid.

I wonder why that is. Why I feel so much still. Why it won't go away. My common sense say that it should have been gone ages ago, but it just keeps coming back. The only solution I can find right now is to move to the North Pole and isolate myself from anyone and anything that can remind me. Maybe not as far as the North Pole, I did awfully well at Bjerkely. But it sounds nice living on the North Pole. Perhaps I should just settle for Svalbard. Though I doubt they are in a great need of a web-designer. (You have to make a worth while contribution to the society to be allowed to live there.)

I feel like a broken record. But at least there's a silver lining!

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Friday, March 04, 2011

My portfolio

I have now finally uploaded my portfolio! I think I did the design for it back in 2008, but I wasn't happy with it. And then school and more fun stuff filled my time. But now that my school time is coming to an end, I felt that I needed to get it up. And when I previewed it the other day, I found that I was pretty happy with the design. So I guess it takes me a few years before I'm satisfied with anything I'm making for myself... I am my own worst customer :)

Anyway, go check it out! You'll find it at www.m-lorentzen.net (it's all in Norwegian though, but take a look even if you won't understand, it's pretty!). There's not much up there right now, but I will fill it up in the upcoming days. I just had to get it out there as soon as possible.